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Source: Tracy Korn
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100 days is not a lot of time, and in that time I have a lot to put into place. But before I can even begin, I have this to sort:

Being gone is very hard. It's harder that the 80-mile rides through thunderstorms. It's harder than the headwinds that blow me into ditches. It's harder than trying to hold a pace or get up at the crack of dawn. It's dead weight guilt that can't be cajoled or negotiated into anything other than what it is. It hangs around my neck like that and every so often, if I bend down just right, it swings and hits me right in the face.

My kids seem to be adjusting to me not being here as often. They say bye-bye without tears or clutching clings when I head out the door - and I suppose this is progress, they know I'll be back in a few hours, I understand. But there's something deeply disturbing to me about the fact that they are becoming comfortable accepting that I'm gone.

People are starting to resent me, I'm sure. The little comments and unspoken, but communicated opinions about exactly what kind of selfish sacrificial path I've chosen, the making sure I hear about all of the things I would know or see or be part of if I were here or there.

I know. Trust me. God, do I know.

What I don't know is how to put more hours in the day.

I don't know how to reset myself so that I don't fall asleep while watching movies or being quiet with the family, or how to not resent the fact that I can't sleep at all when I have every right and reason to.

I don't know how to explain the fatigue, physical, mental, and emotional, to people who have no idea, but need to understand.

I don't know how to convince them that I'm not selfish. That I'm not out playing superhero, that it's so much more complicated, and so much less about ego than they assume.

I don't know how to not give in sometimes to resentment, myself.

100 days. I wonder if things go back to normal after that. I wonder if their world goes back to good because I'm in it more; no 4-6 hour weekend rides, no falling asleep through movie night. I wonder if it's just that simple, and I wonder if believing it does and it is will be enough to get me through these next 100 days.

Tracy Korn
Tracy is a language assistance program coordinator and English teacher at an alternative high school for at risk students in the Midwest. She is currently training for Ironman Wisconsin, 2007. Contact information: tracy@throughth3wall.com.