Girl Scout cookies are evil.

Understand here that there are varying degrees of demon in the Girl Scout cookie realm, however Satan himself is the cookie incarnate Caramel deLite – a.k.a., Samoa.

"Samoas are one of the most popular variety of Girl Scout cookie sold by the Girl Scouts of the USA. These consist of a circular vanilla cookie about 2 inches in diameter with a small hole in the center, covered in caramel and toasted coconut and then striped with chocolate. This is one of the few cookies in the group that has differences depending on the bakery.

The reason there are two names is because while similar, the cookies have some differences. Samoas are made by Little Brownie Bakers. They are circular, with an orange color and are thicker from top to bottom, usually they also contain more caramel per coconut, and they are made with dark chocolate. The Caramel deLites, made by ABC Bakers, are actually hexagonal, with a more yellowish tinge, are made with milk chocolate rather than dark chocolate, and more of the cookie comes through in the flavor because of the lower caramel content.

Overall they are both very popular, and most people never notice the differences. Both varieties come in purple boxes. The two types of cookie account for 19% of Girl Scout cookie sales, making them the second most popular types. But the taste does come with some sacrifice: Each Samoa includes 75 calories (315 kJ), which means a single serving (two cookies) adds 150 calories (630 kJ) to your body. The silver lining for calorie counters is that one of the Girl Scouts cookie-making companies, Little Brownie Bakers, now offers all cookies with no trans fats."

Why do I buy these things? Why, when the form makes its way around the school, do I sign my soul away on the little caramelesque colored line? It is, of course, because they are perpetuated by the noble calling of Girl Scouting, which I support having been a scout myself, and thus the conundrum. I don’t blame the organization, as it is only the cookie in which the evil resides – a host – yes, now I see the light.

Now I see that maybe it’s actually modern day possession… think about it. Just think about the power these cookies hold. Maybe the devil takes the form of Thin Mints for you, or perhaps the Peanut Butter Patties, but whatever serotonin spiking little dollop of darkness he manages, you have to admit that you do things you just wouldn’t normally do while under their influence.

Perhaps you don’t even remember eating the entire box… perhaps you find yourself in a frenzied and aggressive sugar-shocked state to discover only crumbs in the packaging thereafter, and you look, vengefully, to loved ones in search of the guilty party. Brother turns against brother, you lose sight of your own association and therefore feel no remorse for your actions… and thus it begins, the end of the world.

Listen, I’ve seen even strong souls weaken around me - those with reserves of physiological fortitude try to postpone the inevitable by rushing their cookies to their car under cover of fog, while the most athletically atheist have opened up the boxes right then and there in their classrooms, unable to resist the overpowering spell of them. Please understand I’ve seen the signs. The day of reckoning will soon be upon us - in approximately 9 weeks in fact - and it’s my duty to tell you all that the real axis of evil has nothing to do with terrorism or the Middle East and everything to do with Do-si-dos and Tagalongs … people wake up! If you've been strong, help others. If you've been weak, fall upon your trainers and repent! Run into the streets – preferably at your 5K pace – and proclaim that these colorfully packaged bite-sized bits of sin hold no power over you. In the name of Paula Newby-Fraser put down the shortbread and have a V-8!

Think of your immortal bike split, think of the lycra-clad unholiness race courses across the world will in fact become if triathletes do not take heed now. My brothers and sisters, you are each others' keepers, and it's not too late to be saved!