Tough stuff, but to be honest you need to continue explaining to her that this is where you are going...continuing to do triathlons.

My wife took up the exercise but when I did, so it's not as hard for us. But we do very different types of exercise. So, the 2 days a week she goes to the Y, I go with her and we put the kids in the sitter center. Other than that she's become very accepting of the fact that I'm going to be biking and running, sometimes while she's putting the kids to bed.
She's become pretty excited for me, seeing me do these races.
I'm planning on moving up to Olympic/International triathlons next year and she's even more excited about that.
I have to say my situation is a bit different as I exercise alont most of the time.

You two need to find that sweet spot. It's there, just talk about it and find it. What I mean is that there is a point where she see's you enough and you are getting your workouts in.

I feel your pain brother, its tough because it does require a commitment - on both your parts really. My wife has been supportive so far. I would love to get her into it with me, but she has never really been athletic and has no real desire to be. I don't push that as I figure it would cause tension.

The thing that makes my situation and yours so much different is that I have a kid, that occupies alot of time for both of us, but I think the key is that my wife doesn't necessarily feel alone. In your case, I assume that you two pretty much did everything together before you started doing Tris and now while you have formed new friendhsips with people that share common interests, your wife is feeling left out. Its probably hard for her right now.

Like Flash said above, there is a sweet spot and you have to work to figure out where it is.

Good luck and ensure that you are doing everything on your part to find middle ground. Don't give the appearance that it is her problem to figure out.

I guess I must be lucky. My husband and I have no kids, and no plans for them. We run together, bike togeher (obviously swimming together is hard), SCUBA, ride motorcycles etc. When we met he had never run before, other than down the football field. I was training for a marathon. Soon he was running too--did some marathons. This summer he did his first tri--a HIM and then IMC a couple of weeks ago. He is hooked. (of course during tri season, SCUBA and riding take a back seat)

When I DO go on vacation with a girlfriend or home for a visit with out him, or he takes a motorcycle trip with the guys people wonder how we could do that alone. I always have to explain we spend more time together than most couples.

I guess what I am saying is maybe she will decide "if you cant beat 'em join 'em. Or if not, maybe you could find an activity that she enjoys as well and find time to fit that in too.

At the sprint I did about a month ago, the start time was at 0700 Sunday morning and this guy showed up in his tux and his very new bride was there in her wedding gown. He was wearing his tri suit under his tux. While she didn't particpate, she definately knows what she got herself into :)

When I was married, with no kids I found it worked well to get most of my shorter workouts in right after work, or before work if necessary. I'd try to limit my longer workouts to one night a week and earlier on the weekends, so we would have meals and evenings together and plenty of time for other stuff on the weekends.

When I added triathlon to my running, my wife had some apprehension about the extra time and money. But over time she learned that being a triathlete was important to me, made me happy, and was good for me. I learned that to make things work I would sometimes need to give up some things and do some extra things to make triathlons work for me and us.

You said she "seems" happy to sit home and read a book, have a date night, etc. Are you sure she's happy, maybe she's just trying to be a good sport for you?

This is an easy sport to get obsessed with. Any time my husband tells me I'm killing him with the triathlon chatter I get annoyed, and then I realize he is right and I am obsessing too much. No one really wants to talk about bikes for 10 days in a row :)

You can definitely find a balance. Maybe you can sit down with her and work out a schedule that makes her feel more included and like she's getting the time and attention she needs too.

As far as the female training partner goes, you may want to rethink that. She may have been cool with that in the beginning, but I don't really think it's ok. It doesn't matter if you trust each other or not, it's just one more thing that can cause marital strife that isn't worth it.

Something like this will bring things in the open that you didn't realize were a problem. Is it the symptom of a problem and not the problem itself?
I strongly encourage you and your wife to seek professional help if you can't seem to resolve this to your mutual satisfaction.

My wife was pretty happy with some changes I made in my training to work in time for other things that she had no issue with me doing an IM each year - initially we had agreed to one every other year. Making time for each other/family is important. A workout can be rescheduled or even skipped once in awhile. Took me a while to fully grasp that. But it really is easy when it is in the right perspective.

I've had a male training partner for the last five years, but our families were friends before we got into triathlons. Luckily, neither one of us has had any issues at home. Maybe see if there's a local tri club or running group that you can join. This way you can still train together, but with other people as well.

Thanks for all of hte advice. I've got some things to think about now.

tx,
Bill

My wife has always been understanding that bicycles and triathlon are part of who I am, and she has accepted that it's something that isn't going away. At the same time I make concessions that demonstrate that family is a higher priority.

I'm going through a period of time where life is getting in the way of training and racing. I've had to cut back on training and probably won't race until some time next year. I don't like it, and I whine about it now and then, but as she accepts that triathlon is something I do, I have to accept that sometimes it's something I can't do to the degree I'd like. But through everything we always have open and honest communication about things, and do our best not to get frustrated with each other.

I think compromise and communication are the keys to making a relationship work, especially one that involves an addiction.

This is KEY in any relationship on any topic
;)

Ok, well at least the first step is that you realize you've gone hog wild with this tri training thing. Now maybe you can try to go beyond that and really listen to what your wife is telling you? If you have training partners, talk tri with them, don't bring it home. Schedule a day once a week (or whatever time frame you and your wife set up) where you don't train - and where you spend more time together. If you're not doing IM or even HIM races, you should definitely have some free time if you schedule correctly.

Just to explain my situation - my husband married me knowing I love training. I love to work out - whether it be lifting in the gym, running, biking, taking dance classes, etc. I have always been active, so it's a little different than your situation sounds. But I'm also fortunate that he trains with me. He's not a triathlete but loves riding his bike, so rides my long rides with me on the weekends. Running he's ok with and if I ask him, he'll join me on a longer run (nothing over 17 miles though). I sign up for races, he's my support. He comes to every race, encourages me before my swim start, cheers me on through the course, and I look forward to seeing him all through the race course. He never complains about the 4 or 5 am wake up times or my stressed out, bad mood the night before a race. I'm just really lucky. And just this weekend, he rode a century ride with me Saturday, and Sunday ran a half marathon with me as support, even though he's barely run 3 miles in the last 2 months (yes, he's been hurting a lot more than me this week too).

But there's more - I also have a training partner that I train with during the weekdays who's male. He's the one I talk about tri with - gear, workout plans, what's the next race, etc etc. We do a lot of the same races and we give each other support. It's nice to have someone from the outside to train with and talk tri with, but I know my boundaries and so does he. There's never been any tension from any side or from my husband - he trusts me and knows there's a reason I married him over anyone else. From that, I can come home and not bore the husband over what wheels I want to get, how many laps I did in my interval training this morning in the pool, etc.

So as someone else wisely said above, it's all about Balance, Balance, Balance. Step back a minute and look at what's important in your life.

Oh, and for the record, I've never been able to stay awake watching a movie so that hasn't changed as I've ramped up my training. He never expects me to stay awake through an entire movie, and if I do, you know it's a good one!